On a primal level, it benefits women to pick a man who is far more in love with her than she is with him, because that feels like he will stick around, and so we … Read more
On a primal level, it benefits women to pick a man who is far more in love with her than she is with him, because that feels like he will stick around, and so we (and our babies) can have all his resources.
However, aiming for romantic love from a man that is not reciprocated by you is guaranteed to keep you (and your life) small.
Conversely, aiming to fall in love with a man whom is also in love with you, in other words, aiming for reciprocal romantic love, leads to infinity.
Why is this?
Because one relationship is born out of fear, and the other out of vulnerability and authenticity.
And relationships born from fear lead to nowhere but more fear.
Beneath All The Layers Of Fear And Resentment, We All Want THIS
We all want to fall in love, as falling in love equals life – it makes you feel alive, it makes you infinitely more resourceful and it makes you truly happy from the bottom of your heart.
But choosing a relationship based on a man loving you more than you love him?
This is the exact thing many men hate about a relationships and commitment to a woman.
Simply put, if you’re looking for a man who loves you more than you love him, you may feel “smart”, but what you really are, is scared.
And worse: you may feel like you’re entitled to choose the man who loves you more than you love him so that you get to feel safe, but what you’re really doing, is being a value extractor, a taker.
And what happens to takers?
They eventually get abandoned or they end up in relationships where their other half deeply resents them.
Nobody wants to be with a perpetual taker.
Takers are low value, they suck your soul and no matter how nice they look, they eventually push away the people close to them, as they inspire no real emotional connection.
By the way…
There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. Do You Know What They Are & How to Avoid Them Like the Plague?
CLICK here to discover the 7 common signs that a woman is perceived as low value in the eyes of men in this special report. (Why is this important? Because men and women perceive value very differently and you don’t want to be making mistakes that would cause quality men to dismiss, abandon or alienate you.)
Women Are More Pragmatic In Love, Men Are More Idealistic
It is understandable that women want the feeling of safety in a relationship and a man’s resources. No woman wants a low value man, or a man who isn’t truly committed to her.
Of course lots of women don’t just want a man with money.
We know that emotional commitment from a man is priceless, and so sometimes we think that choosing a man who is more in love with us that we are with him, is the best way to get it.
Because, hey, it’s HARD to get a man to commit, isn’t it? Especially the ones we would be truly attracted to.
So we might as well “settle” for the man whom we aren’t passionate about, but whom is in love with us.
So we choose based on fear and on the idea that it will benefit us more by keeping us safe.
Interestingly, research done by the well respected Anthropologist Helen Fisher shows that MEN are far more idealistic about love and relationships than women are.
Are you surprised by this research?
Research shows, also, that women on the other hand, are more pragmatic in dating and relationships.
Here’s what being pragmatic looks like:
“Hm….is he willing to give me marriage and babies?”
“Is he the tallest and smartest one I can get?”
“Is he rich enough to get us through the 18 years of all our children’s lives?”
“Is he the highest status guy I’ve got on my contact list?”
“Is he willing to spend money on me?”
“I’m in love with another man, but he is very busy with work and doesn’t seem to stick around. A safer bet would be to go with the ‘cute’ one who will stick around.”
“I’m not as passionate about him as I am about Daniel, but at least he’ll stick around.”
There’s nothing wrong with women being pragmatic, in fact it’s in our DNA. It’s there to protect us from being left out in the cold with no shelter, no money and no way to take care of our kids.
However, pragmatism is not all that we are as women. We are also much more than this.
We also have the mechanism and the drive to fall in love and form a pair bond with a man. To yearn for and emotionally commit to a man whom we would die for.
If we did not have this mechanism, you and I wouldn’t be here today. Because it’s the pair bonds between a man and a woman that are created through romantic love that inspire a man to commit emotionally.
This emotional commitment then leads to greater resources for the next generation.
But like I said, pragmatism isn’t all that we are. We have other parts to us as well.
Too much pragmatism in women can be horribly restrictive and it doesn’t offer you value in the long term, because you not loving the father of your kids means your children will inevitably pay for your fearful choice.
And I’ve coached so many women in their late 40s and 50s who are in this exact position.
They chose a man because he loved her so much (or seemingly so, because he showered her with so much attention and gifts, and was available for a relationship).
They didn’t believe in real love nor did they believe in their ability to get a commitment from a man whom they authentically love in return.
So they settled for a relationship of convenience. And it turns out to be the biggest mistake of their lives.
It’s kind of like how some women think it’s smart to choose a rich man. It’s not smart, it’s just a part of your most basic drives. Anyone can go for a rich man.
So it might FEEL “smart” to choose a man based on liking him less than he likes you, but it’s really not smart.
It’s just survival and control-oriented. It’s fearful.
Not any woman can be courageous and authentic enough to choose the man she feels reciprocal love for.
On that note, here’s an article I wrote on: “Is It Smart For Women To Look For A Rich Man?”
Case Study: Learn How our member Alison went from attracting perpetual abusive relationships…
…To finally learning the skill of weeding out the wrong types of men, and passing the hardest test of them all… an accidental pregnancy after a month of dating! (…All by learning one simple skill.)
Yes, Men NEED To Be In Love With You, But…
I want to acknowledge that it’s important that a man fall in love with you.
This is the ultimate form of value to you as a woman!
But it isn’t the ultimate form of value unless it’s accompanied by your reciprocal love for him.
To continually inspire love, commitment and fascination from a man, in the long term you need to be invested in him and in love with him too, otherwise his love will dwindle into distance and resentment.
Men need to fall in love with you (from an evolutionary perspective), because it encourages them to shell out their resources to just one woman for the long term.
If they are not in love, they are not likely at all to give out any resources. Instead, they just keep you around for their convenience, or have sex with you and then leave.
But if he is in love, he will give you more than just dinner and a movie.
A little bit of money is easy for a man to give, but falling in LOVE makes men give you a bunch of other resources that normally feel unnatural to him.
What resources, you may wonder?
His presence when no one else will be there for you
And most crucially, he will love you for your soul, not for your body
And men only really give this when they’ve fallen in love, and you become their ‘one and only’.
Only one woman can be in the one and only basket. Every other woman will be in the ‘one of many’ basket.
When you’ve managed to get into a guy’s one and only basket, he will give you everything, because he’s in love.
So having a man fall in love is the ultimate goal, but not unrequited love, because unrequited love (where you don’t love him nearly as much as he loves you), is not a true pair bond.
Unrequited love doesn’t actually accomplish the actual evolutionary goal of romantic love, which is to build emotional bonds strong enough to withstand the arduous and resource-intensive task of raising secure children.
Unrequited love just ends in unbelievable pain for him and endless guilt and regret for you.
Additionally, choosing a man who loves you but whom you don’t love in return, is like playing the dating game not to lose.
That strategy never turns out well for anyone.
By the way, I’ve published my new program “Becoming His One And Only”. CLICK HERE to find out how to have your chosen man fall in love with you & beg you to be his one & only by embodying these 5 feminine secrets, (even if he’s been distant, avoidant, or losing interest…)
When A Man Loves You More Than You Love Him
When I was 18, my mother and her friends told me to pick a man that loves me more than I love him. I scrunched my nose up. Something didn’t feel right to me, hearing that.
It felt selfish. It felt so guarded and such a miserable way to live.
Sure it seems nicer and less risky to have someone love you more than you love him. Especially to the women who have abandonment issues or fear of abandonment.
But since when has making decisions from fear and the desperate need for safety given you an infinite quality of life?
Here’s a video I made to answer this question of: “Should I Choose A Man Who Loves Me More Than I Love Him?”
Is It Wise To Pick A Man Who Loves You More Than You Love Him?
Now, many years after my mom and friends told me to marry a man who loves you more than you love him, if you were to ask me: is it wise to pick a man who loves you more than you love him?
I’s say this:
Well my answer is yes and no.
Yes, if you treat relationships as a transaction.
No, if you want to live a blissfully happy, passionate and fulfilling life, where other people look at your relationship and envy you.
I choose no.
You might be wondering why that is.
My answer is because: it is only through your authentic emotional vulnerability to a man that YOU get to feel the full pleasure and bliss of what an intimate relationship has to offer: the pleasure of magnified (heightened) emotions.
That’s the point of relationships, to deepen and enrich our emotional experience of life.
And it is this way that HE gets to feel great with you too.
It can’t work long term unless you both have deep investment in each other as well as INTENSE emotions towards each other.
What do I mean by intense emotions?
After all, that’s the purpose of intimate relationship: to magnify our emotions, and make life more delicious.
And through these intense emotions, you form attachment bonds that are resourceful enough to carry you through life, parenthood and eventually, old age.
If you’re not both responsive to each other and invested, you encounter a lot of trouble: trouble that can and will really hurt one or both of you!
Not to mention, when you choose a man from a place of wanting to take as much as you can (ie: you don’t want to run the risk of caring or investing too much emotion in a man), the only men silly enough to tolerate it are the ones who aren’t very smart.
I’m talking about the men who aren’t very attuned to a woman.
They don’t know what they’re getting themselves into and they don’t see, hear or feel the warning signs of a taker whose only interested in keeping herself safe, and not really interested in love.
Being completely vulnerable to a man, being completely in love, actually gives YOU incredible pleasure.
Provided he is also in love with you, you both get to grow together and develop a loving, healthy, lasting and passionate relationship.
This translates to a greater level of resourcefulness that you both take into other important areas of your life.
Through your shared and mutual love, you both become:
Better, more invested and resourceful parents
Better problem solvers
A warm, loving influence on others
And together you become an example rather than a warning to others who witness your authentic love and joy
This is why, women who date for finances resources get very different results than women who date for true love.
Related reading: Women who Date for Resources Vs Women who Date for True Love.
Should You Choose The Man Who Loves You More?
When you are choosing a man from guardedness, entitlement or closure, you attract only the man who can tolerate that in you.
…Usually, that will be a man with little to no emotional resourcefulness and possibly toxic behavioral patterns (he’s also likely to be the kind of man other women do not want!)
When you choose with the idea that the man should love you more than you love him, you’re saying you want to secure all the resources you can with little risk on your part.
You’re choosing a man not because you are truly in love.
And when you do that, it’s you who eventually suffers.
Because whilst he may give you all that he has in the short term, in the long term he’ll grow to resent you and all you will inspire in a man is behaviors that carry a transactional quality, never an emotional or spiritual quality.
To be happy in a relationship, you have to be vulnerable to a man, and not just logical about his WORTH to you.
Alternatively stated, you need to be invested in him too.
Because even if he’s invested in you at a level of 10 out of 10 and you are only a 5, he’ll feel the difference in time. Usually quicker than you think.
But you might say:
This means I may have to experience pain. What if I love this man and he dies or leaves me?
I don’t want to be vulnerable. I just want life and men to serve me.
But there’s no way to escape pain. There’s not way to escape the vulnerability of life.
Sure, with vulnerability also comes pain. But your alternative is basically live as a dead person. And I mean dead inside.
You might be well fed, well entertained, well insulated, but inside your soul is dead.
I don’t know about you, but that’s scary to me.
Much more scary than taking the risk of falling in love.
(What is the ONE thing you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say! Click here to find out right now…)
Value Your Own Long Term Happiness!
So to end this, I suggest you value your long-term happiness rather than what’s easy today.
Choose a man who you are obviously in love with, and whom is also obviously in love with you.
Ideally, you should chase each other in a relationship.
This is how you raise securely attached, truly resourceful and happy children together.
…Because the real resource in life doesn’t just come from a man’s money or time, it comes from the quality of the bond that you both have together.
You may wonder how you can know for sure that he’s in love and emotionally committed to you. The only way to find out for sure is to test a man.
Of course, as a woman, you will always choose the best man, the man who has the better provider qualities (that you personally value), to be in a relationship with.
There is nothing wrong with that, and that’s instinctive whether you like it or not. It’s there to help you.
The question is though:
Why are you really choosing to commit to him long-term?
Are you making the decision to commit to a man for the long term because he loves you more than you love him?
Will you choose a man because this specific man and this specific choice insulates you from having to emotionally invest in anyone?
If so, you are saying yes to fear and no to love.
Not to mention, if you read this far and you’re still not liking the idea of choosing love over fear, you may have an insecure attachment style. Specifically, you may be an avoidant, or you may have anxious attachment patterns.
QUIZ TIME: Anxious, avoidant or secure attachment patterns? Which one do I have? CLICK HERE to find out with our specially crafted women-specific 10 Question Quiz!
(Why is this important? It is because your core attachment style largely dictates and influences what happens in your relationship. Thus it’s imperative you understand your core attachment style!)
Can You Live With Unending Guilt?
You might say “but it’s better that he loves me more!”
I know it seems that way. Woman to woman, I’ll tell you that I know it seems that way!
But the truth is, he’ll get tired of desiring you more than you desire him.
He’ll get tired of being more invested in the relationship than you are. He’ll want something else.
Also, after years of using him, you may come to feel unending guilt and a sense that you’ve let him down.
Not only have you let him down, actually, but you’ve let him buy into a lie, you’ve done something terrible for his life, his mental health, and his future chances in love.
But Aren’t You More In Control If He Loves You More?
Well think about it like this:
If you love him less, then you will not invest as much in the relationship as he would.
Think about the consequences of that for a moment.
Can you think of any possible consequences of that, for you?
I can, and it goes a little like this.
Let me use the example of the popular female love strategy: getting the man to initiate contact 80% of the time, while the woman initiates only 20% of the time.
With this 80/20 rule of contacting a man: if you only put in 20%, and he always puts in 80%, you might feel in control, but that lost 20% is a massive deficit to your relationship bank that will show through soon enough.
It will exhaust him and he will begin to resent you if he’s silly enough to tolerate it for too long.
I choose to say it is not wise, for your own long term happiness, to choose a man who is more in love with you than you are with him.
I don’t want to make my values your values, too, though. They are my values. And that’s how I chose my husband (whom, by the way, I met and fell in love with when he was dead broke.)
Isn’t it interesting though, that now, many years later, this is the exact same man who has given me a credit card that I never have to pay back?
This credit card is a sign of the abundance inside of our relationship. It symbolizes what the relationship means to him and what my happiness means to him.
Of course, a credit card I never have to pay back is something I never would have just expected from him, he gave it because he wanted to.
(Just remember that although broke or jobless men may at first look like a red flag, broke or jobless men CAN still be high value.)
So what do you think? Would you prefer to choose the man who is in love with you while you like him just ‘enough’ to be with him?
Let me know in the comments below!
(By the way, I’ve just published my brand new program titled “Becoming His One & Only!”Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only)
Finally, here are some answers to the most frequently asked questions on the topic of should a man love a woman more? And what to think when people encourage you to marry a man who loves you more.
Frequently Asked Questions…
Is There Always Someone Who Loves More In A Relationship?
If one person in the relationship meets the other person’s needs more, then the person whose needs are being met so well may love the other more, because they’re getting tonnes of value from the relationship.
If both of them are in love with each other and not concerned about power struggles or deeply afraid of being burned (which is the ideal situation), then they will love each other equally.
The only thing that may ebb and flow is the intensity and duration of the love given (which will even out anyway when a couple are in love with each other).
There are 7 common signs a woman is perceived as low value to all men, because men simply perceive value differently to women. Do you know what these signs are and how to avoid them like the plague? CLICK HERE to download this special report.
Can A Relationship Work If One Person Loves The Other More?
It can. To make it work, the person who feels less loved just needs to work out how to bring value to their partner (in the way that their partner perceives it as value).
What Are The Signs When A Man Loves A Woman?
He will care about her feelings and take them into account in his decision making.
He will care about the people SHE cares about.
He will try to solve her problems as much as he possibly can.
He will never deliberately hurt her (but may do so unintentionally, because everyone has to learn how to become more sensitive to their partner).
He doesn’t just show up when it’s convenient, he shows up when it’s hard.
What makes a man love a woman deeply?
Her innocence and vulnerability.
Her ability to create connection over disconnection; and
Her ability to use her feminine bias of attachment to draw him deeper into the realm of relationship and emotional connection. (Because remember: relationships are the feminine domain. So men with a masculine essence need to be inspired to love deeply, through the woman.)
Should You Be With A Man Who Loves You More?
If you harbour a lot of fear about getting attached in a relationship, you will tend to believe that it’s better that the man loves you more than you love him.
If, however, you are more fearless, and you’re willing to be vulnerable and add value to a man, you will sense that it’s MUCH better for you and for him when you love each other equally. This is because the imbalance of love will only cause pain and destruction.
CLICK HERE to discover the ONE PHRASE you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say! (Works like magic in a high vale non-needy way!)
What To Do If You Love Someone More Than They Love You?
First find out if it’s really true or not by testing their commitment level to you; then if it really is true…
Ask yourself whether they love you less than you love them because they’ve never attached to you (and are just with you for convenience). If they’re with you for convenience, that will never feel like a stable, safe nor passionate relationship to you.
Finally, I hope you found value in this article. I’d love to hear from you in the comments below. Tell me what you think? Do you think it’s better to be with someone who loves you more?
If you want to be supported by a warm community of high value feminine women, then join our Facebook Group. (It’s free and so incredibly valuable!) CLICK HERE TO join thousands of other women in our “High Value Feminine Women” Community.
By the way, while you’re at it, connect with me on social media.