Wondering how to communicate with a man without pushing him away? I understand it’s hard. Men can be extremely defensive. Or at least, it looks that way to us. And it’s particularly hard to communicate … Read more
Wondering how to communicate with a man without pushing him away? I understand it’s hard. Men can be extremely defensive. Or at least, it looks that way to us.
And it’s particularly hard to communicate to a man after the honeymoon period is over.
For example: have you ever gotten involved with a man, and 1, 2, 3 or more months down the track, you just couldn’t help asking him where the relationship is going?
Maybe you got involved with him sexually, and he kept coming close and then pushing you away.
Well, if you’ve tried to voice your feelings and be honest with a man only to feel like he just disappeared, it’s not your fault.
And no, it’s NOT needy to have the desire to know where the relationship is going.
In this article, I’ll show you how how to communicate with a man without chasing him, whilst also honouring your own feelings.
But First, Your Feelings: Why It’s OK To Want Security
Let’s look generally at why you want to communicate to a man as a woman.
In most cases, it doesn’t matter what the problem is on the surface with a man – what you’re looking for by communicating with a man is security. Comfort. A knowing that he won’t abandon you.
It’s what you naturally want as a woman. Just like men try to push for sex, and they naturally want sex, you want to know where on earth a relationship is going!
You want commitment, and to be ‘owned’ emotionally, physically and spiritually by a good, masculine, high value man.
And again, you want security.
Did I mention that you want security?
And, there’s a good reason. If you, as a woman, didn’t look for security in some way, then how would you and your children be protected and safe?
Our female ancestors needed to seek out security in order for us to successfully make it to today. They sure sought it out, and that biological NEED for a woman to seek out security is still there within you.
So there’s nothing wrong with that!
Strictly speaking, you as a woman can survive without a man.
But since pregnancy, childbirth and child-rearing are risky and demanding on a mother, women throughout history simply thrived more in the company of a committed man.
So let’s take a moment to appreciate that at the heart of most communication is the desire for security.
Sure, there are other things you want to communicate about, like where to eat lunch today, what area would be best to move to or how he spends too much time with his friends.
But when you’re not sure of a man’s commitment in the first place, that takes most of your focus.
But how do you actually communicate to a man? How to express your feelings to a man? And how to communicate with a man without pushing him away?
The first principle you must know is this: communication between men and women is naturally strained by the fact that we communicate very differently.
Men And Women Don’t “Communicate” Very Well
So: here’s the first big problem with getting security from a man and how to express feelings to a guy:
Men and women don’t “communicate” very well. In fact, miscommunication is the rule between men and women.
That makes expressing your feelings and needs to a man more difficult.
I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. As a woman, you’ll gravitate towards having a serious verbal conversation with him.
But what tends to happen during such conversations?
You’ll go ahead and be totally honest about something you feel.
In return, he doesn’t say much. In some moments, he’ll look at you with a blank face, not even acknowledging what you said. Just total silence.
This is hard! And the more blank and quiet he is – the more your heart beats faster, the more angry and scared you get.
And then what happens? You keep talking, because HE isn’t talking!
Then you may feel him pulling away.
Did he not hear you? Does he not get it? Why can’t he say anything back to me!?
At that point, you’re probably thinking inside your head “OK I obviously haven’t explained myself properly and he doesn’t understand what I’m saying.
So I better explain it in a better way until he GETS it!” And so you keep talking some more – right?
Being the man that he is, he will often respond to you with truths and solutions.
Because his masculine soul is built for problem solving rather than feeling through and resonating with feelings.
(This doesn’t mean he cannot resonate with feelings, he can! It just means he has this bias in communication.)
How To Express Your Feelings To A Man: Avoid This Feminine Bias
A good example of this is in the movie ‘Crazy, Stupid Love’.
Have you seen it? It’s ok if you haven’t, but there is a scene where Julianne Moore is trying to talk to her husband about serious issues, but he doesn’t seem to respond.
So then she escalates the conversation to the point where she tells Steve Carrell that she cheated on him.
To her surprise, he still doesn’t say anything at all in response to her, so she screams:
“Why aren’t you saying anything! You know that only makes me talk more!”
And he responds by saying “please stop [talking]”. She doesn’t stop talking, so he responds by throwing himself out of the moving car.
Watch it yourself here:
So, even though talking more about your feelings makes you think this will help him “GET” you – this is FEMININE Logic.
We use words. It feels good to us, because it helps us bond (especially with other women).
But the issue with most men is that when you do this, he just shuts down even more. And it’s NOT because you did the wrong thing.
This is not about doing the wrong thing. This is about understanding more than you did before.
Remember: you are not to blame. You can only make a mistake (which is very different to doing the wrong thing).
So if you do do this thing where you talk even more when he’s silent, it’s not because you are flawed, it’s because he is a man.
No matter how much of an asshole he is – no matter how COLD that look on his face is, remember that you still haven’t done the wrong thing.
The bottom line is:
Miscommunication is the rule between men and women.
His body and brain is built to be preferentially better for different things than you are as a woman, even though you are both human.
You already know this, intuitively. It’s time to start acting on it when expressing feelings to him, and let me show you how to act on this knowledge.
How To Talk To A Man So He Will Listen To You
So what I have for you today is one of my best kept secrets of making a man relax and stop everything he’s doing just to listen to you.
Most of my best stuff is kept for members of my programs as it’s taken me literally years of trial and error to gain this knowledge.
But, I know it’s important for you to feel like you can express your feelings without feeling like he’s going to get angry at you.
So I’m about to share this strategy with you, and hope that unlike most women, you have the courage to put it in to practice.
It’s only a small thing, but most women wouldn’t do it, because they’re too blinded by their own false ideas of what a man SHOULD be like.
I’ve kept this strategy close to my heart for so long because I wanted to get it tested, and to use it myself first – and I discovered that it works wonders.
This Is What He Feels When You Express Feelings To Him…
Let’s get one important thing out of the way first:
Most of the time when you try to express your feelings to him, he is most likely going to feel blamed and criticised even during the times when you are not blaming him or criticising him.
This is just how most men respond to a woman trying to express her feelings, because they are not very far along in their own understanding of women.
It took my husband more than 5 years to finally get this.
So, expect that he will feel like pulling away from you and that he will feel criticized at least half of the times you try to communicate with him.
This is not your fault. It’s just the result of the value differences between men and women in the dating stages.
Until you prove to him that you are not a perpetual value extractor like other women and you won’t BLAME him, most men will shut down when you try to “have a talk”.
Here’s an article on Why Men Pull Away & How To Deal With It As A High Value Woman.
Try to know that a man becoming defensive or feeling blamed is to be expected. Not because he’s a bad guy, but because like most women, you like to communicate in a certain way.
This is what I call a feminine bias in behaviour. Women tend to communicate in a certain way that men don’t always respond well to.
Your best bet is to understand it, and expect it. Not because you’ve done anything wrong, but because of the way you, as a woman, communicate.
He doesn’t communicate the way you do, so even though you’re making sense in your own head, and you feel innocent, he doesn’t quite get it.
So, remember that as a rule. It’s as true as 1 + 1 = 2.
Any man who has ever had any kind of a relationship with a member of the female species will naturally feel blamed and start to pull away when you try to bring something up about your relationship, UNLESS you do what I’m about to show you.
But Why Do Men Feel Blamed?
Men tend to feel blamed often, simply because they feel responsible for your feelings.
In fact, if a man isn’t emotionally attached to you or in love with you, he likely wouldn’t care at all and so he wouldn’t really feel criticized or blamed, and if he did, it wouldn’t matter to him…because your relationship doesn’t matter to him.
But when men enter a more serious relationship with you, sometimes even if they’re not in love, they tend to feel responsible for making you happy.
But there’s one more reason that men tend to get defensive and feel blamed:
It’s because we don’t think carefully about how we’re approaching them.
We’re not being attuned enough or sensitive enough to see that we need to choose different words, touch him differently, make him feel more relaxed or trusting of us, etc.
But I JUST Want To Be Understood!
I know this may feel overwhelming. All you’re trying to do is feel understood!
You’re not having a go at him – not most of the time, anyway – so why get so defensive, right?
And the worst thing is – the more you genuinely try to express yourself, and he doesn’t understand, the more emotional you get.
I’ve done this so many times and ended up bursting in to tears just because:
My feelings weren’t actually clear, I was just using words which aren’t feelings; and
I wasn’t very sensitive and careful about what words I was using and what tonality and body language I was expressing.
Basically, I wasn’t trying to do anything BUT express myself to him, hoping he would understand.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way with men.
I learned that enough times through seeing my husband’s face go blank and *seemingly* cold and seeing him walk away after I innocently tried to express my “needs” to him.
(Related: What Is The Fastest Way To Push A Man Away?)
This kept happening until I discovered this simple sentence to say to my man, and it’s like he became a totally different man.
So this is what I want you to do when expressing feelings to him:
BEFORE You Say Anything At ALL To Him…Say This
“Hey, it’s not your fault, and I’m not blaming you, because nothing is EVER your fault.”
This disarms him first.
And then you go on to say something like this…
But because I love you/I respect you/I value “us”, I feel it’s important to let you know that I feel [insert authentic feelings ie: anger, scared, fearful, hurt, sad, out of control]”.
When you say this, he can relax and feel that YOU understand HIM first. You are meeting him where he is at, as a man.
You’re effectively getting inside his mind without him knowing, and saying what he needs to hear from you before you go ahead and share your feelings.
And, if you do this in a genuine way, he will return your gesture by being willing to understand you, too.
(Because as humans we tend to want to give back to those who gave a lot of value to us!)
This is the way to inspire your man to do what you need him to do.
This is also one way to get men to line up outside your door, waiting to date you.
And you can bet your knickers that your girlfriends do not understand men as well as you do if you make the effort to understand men!
By the way, nobody will understand men as well as you do after you take my program Understanding Men. (The promise of this course is for you discover the secrets of the masculine perspective so that you can get through to any man, connect with him heart to heart, and inspire his deepest loyalty and commitment.)
So here’s the catch to using my sentence. Don’t USE that line as a justification for actually going ahead and blaming him.
Don’t point the finger. Don’t sell yourself short like that. You are a woman of high value, so don’t do that!
We want to always be classy, and take the high road.
Do it because you believe in connection, rather than disconnection.
Do it because you have courage. Not because you want to control him.
By the way, did you know that there are 7 Common Signs that a woman is perceived as low value to all men?
Do You Know What They Are & How to Avoid Them Like the Plague?
(Why is this important? Because men and women perceive value very differently and you don’t want to be making mistakes that would cause quality men to dismiss, abandon or alienate you.)
HE Is Never To Be Blamed, And You Are Never To Be Blamed
When expressing feelings to him, don’t focus on who or what is to blame.
By the way: is it true that nothing is ever his fault?
There may be some things that we can definitely attribute to being someone else’s fault.
But as a general principle, in relationships, you should see this as true.
And for the sake of your relationship lasting long term, you truly have to believe that with your soul.
It’s not his fault.
Just like nothing is ever YOUR FAULT either.
If that sounds weird…I know how you feel. After all, you may have felt so blamed for so much, growing up. Surely something is someone’s fault?
Well, to a lot of us, that makes sense. After all, we’ve all been blamed before.
And not to mention how much at fault you may already feel for your past relationships not working out.
But think about how FREEING it is to no longer have to blame anyone – most importantly yourself.
If you can’t not blame anyone, at least start by not blaming yourself.
Here’s the truth – remember this principle for communicating when thinking about how to express your feelings to a man:
Blame equals imprisonment.
Connection equals freedom.
The ONE Rule For Talking To A Man About Your Feelings
See, this is what I believe, without a doubt in my soul:
Nothing is ever my man’s fault. Nothing is ever MY FAULT.
Making someone at fault is to tie them up with chains, because you’re trying to control them and push them in to a corner.
Do you really want to do that to a man? Or to yourself?
This doesn’t mean you don’t take responsibility – not at all. You should always take responsibility.
But by responsibility, I mean CARING for your man, caring for your relationship, and caring for yourself. That’s what responsibility is. It’s caring.
But blaming? Blaming someone and saying something is “all his fault” is a lie.
For the sake of the future lasting ability of your relationship, even if you know he did something to hurt you, you must take the focus off blaming and over to connecting.
Whether that be connecting to yourself, so that you feel more accurately how this guy is really treating you…
Or whether it’s about you connecting to him more by showing him that you’re hurt.
That is, showing him the feeling of hurt on your face and your body. Not just through a bunch of words, because those words won’t get the message across as well.
Aside from that, it’s important to show allegiance by being on the same emotional page as him, too.
Remember above when I mentioned that when we give to someone else, is makes them want to give back to us?
This is an important principle to remember.
By the way, if you’re looking for high value ways to connect deeply with your man, here’s an article I wrote on The Art Of Creating Emotional Connection With A Man.
Make it a policy that there is no pointing fingers.
It just pushes him away.
There are 7 common signs a woman is perceived as low value to all men, because men simply perceive value differently to women. Do you know what these signs are and how to avoid them like the plague? CLICK HERE to download this special report.
The Price To Pay For BLAMING
When I was much younger, I used to blame other people. Until later on I realised…
I was actually a miserable, angry wreck by doing that; and
I was lying to myself. Thinking it was everyone’s responsibility to make me feel better.
That (people coming to my rescue when I lash out) rarely ever comes.
And if it did come, if someone did take it upon themselves to make me feel better, I wouldn’t feel good anyway. It’d last for 5 minutes and then I’d be back to my miserable, blaming self.
Anyway, back to my point…
You can’t claim to LOVE someone and blame them.
Just like that famous saying:
“Blame is drinking the poison and expecting your enemy to die.”
how to communicate with a man without pushing him away
…Express feelings to him: ACTUAL feelings.
Now you may be wondering whether there is a correct way to express feelings to a guy…
There is, actually. There is a definitive answer to how to communicate emotions to a man:
The best way is to actually FEEL.
What you should do is express and feel what you’re actually feeling. Which is usually something like anger, hurt, sadness, guilt, lonely and scared.
I’ve had clients who have expressed their raw emotions (the real, authentic emotion) and it has genuinely inspired her man to marry her (because the guy heard her communication in a way that he could appreciate, understand and connect to.)
Here’s an article I wrote that will help you with this: How To Be Vulnerable Without Being NEEDY.
And here’s a guide on How To Get Him To Propose Without Looking Low Value.
If you stop for a minute and think, you’ll realise that your raw emotion is exactly where the truth lies.
But many women cover up this truth with manipulating behaviour, lies, and the facade of being in control.
It doesn’t matter how much he has hurt you or how much you have hurt him. The truth still lies in your actual feelings at the moment.
Anger is anger. Hurt is hurt. Fear is fear.
On that note, did you know that there is ONE specific emotional trigger that inspires him to WANT to commit to you and ONLY you – for life?
What To Say To Him Next…
Finally, a disclaimer, or a word of warning when you say my ONE simple sentence to him before expressing your feelings to him:
When you say it, it’s possible that he will do something that frustrates you. Something like offering suggestions of what you can DO, even after you’ve expressed that you’re simply feeling scared or lonely.
For example, if you say: “I feel lonely”, and he says something insensitive along the lines of:
“Well, why don’t you just call your best friend Sally?”
“Why don’t you go out and make some new friends?”
If he does say something like that, say this. And say it in a genuine way, don’t say it if you don’t truly believe it.
“Thanks, I love that you’re so willing to go out of your way to help me – but there’s nothing to be fixed. These are just my feelings and my feelings will pass as quickly as they came.
CLICK HERE to discover the ONE PHRASE you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say! (Works like magic in a high vale non-needy way!)
Add Some Self Deprecating Humour In
A lot of women are going to hate me for suggesting this, because they have so much anxiety and take themselves very seriously.
But it may relate to your man very well if you say it, because a lot of men already kind of think that women are crazy. So you will be “entering the conversation that already exists in his mind”.
Here’s what you can say:
I know my feelings seem kind of crazy, maybe it’s just because I’m a woman and we’re naturally crazy, but there’s REALLY nothing to be fixed right now.”
This might make him laugh or smile.
It might mean he’ll look at you with this confused look on his face. Whatever it is, at least you get to feel more influential in your communications with him.
By the way, if you think your man might be emotionally unavailable, here’s a guide I wrote on emotionally unavailable men. You can read it here.
Tired of misunderstandings with your man? CLICK here to discover the secrets of the masculine perspective so that you can get through to any man, connect with him heart to heart, and inspire his deepest loyalty and commitment.
So go ahead, and use what I just suggested to you, and also let me know how you go!
By the way, I’ve just published my brand new program titled “Becoming His One & Only!”… Click HERE to find out more details and how you can get your man to fall deeper in love with you and beg you to be his one and only.
Also! Share your thoughts on this article with me below. I look forward to hearing from you.
If you want to be supported by a warm community of high value feminine women, then join our Facebook Group. (It’s free and so incredibly valuable!) CLICK HERE TO join thousands of other women in our “High Value Feminine Women” Community.
By the way, while you’re at it, connect with me on social media.
See Related Articles…